where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
