chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
