how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
