He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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