I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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