I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
