My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
