um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I want a musical about memes.
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