My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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