Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
