My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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