you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
