She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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