Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
