My friends, they love my intelligence
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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