you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize