The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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