apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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