Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
