Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
