problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
