Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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