hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
