at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
