If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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