Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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