Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
