I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
