Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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