guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
