I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
