Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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