I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
