If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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