Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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