So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
