dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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