found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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