I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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