she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
