I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
