I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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