It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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