I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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