worst night to have a conscience
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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