i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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