Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
