he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
