Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize