there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
