my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need a beard to bite.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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