my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
