i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
