my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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