Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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