Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish you could order shots online.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
